“Love is friendship caught fire” - James Baye

This week I found out James died in Joshua Tree Park, the place I went with my older son Sebastian camping the weekend after my Level 4 workshop, a place where I found so much peace and serenity. He was found 2 days after going on a moon hike, falling down a slope and finally resting his head on a gentle, sloping rock. The picture of him resting on this rock made me associate him being at peace with the inevitable, with life and with death.

How did the news impact me? Me, I evaluate life and love when getting reminded of the obvious finality. No I didn't know him very well but I get to know him a little bit better with every post I  read, friends memories written at http://rememberingjamesbaye.com/. Reading in Christine's post today his quote "Love is friendship caught fire" hit home very close. It reminded me of my friendship with M who is someone I have shared parts of life with for almost 10 years, various ups and downs and in varying ways of connectedness ... just friends today.

What's wrong with 'just friends'? Today, in the moment, I feel sad, I feel hurt. Hurt because I got too close to the fire, so it left a few red burn marks that need some aloe. Sad because the warmth from M's fire has been pulled away from me, a warmth from being deeply connected, spiritually and sexually. If you'd really know me you would know that I show and receive love thru physical, intimate touch. For some that can be too much, too intimate or too close. For me, it's who I am.

What's in it for me? Well, I need to congratulate myself that I asked for what I wanted, went all out. The good news, I got it in the moment. The bad news, it was taken shortly after again, yes the rubber band in & out has happened before, twice. My AFGO (=another fucking growth opportunity) ... Be in the moment, or as one of my HAI buddies said so fittingly "Be happy with what you get, enjoy what you have". I am a very lucky guy with the "fire" of my wonderful marriage and partnership with Niki  burning stronger than ever, feeling so warm, so caring, so right.

So what would James say? His last Twitter post is amazingly fitting: “The more you commit to life, the more you can commit to death.”

Good night, James! Good morning my friend M!

Tender, Raw & Alive after Really Seeing Personal Choice in Action

It's Tuesday after HAI Level 4, I am in my office and I feel raw, tender but also very alive. This weekend I heard and saw new things that I haven't seen in 25 years, maybe never ... actually maybe I am wrong, I felt similar stuff when Niki told me she is breaking up with me for someone else and when I found out T was not being open and truthful to me. Not easy to feel this much, and wondering if I want to bottle myself back up and go back to the 'old Robert' ... well not really.

BACK TO DIARING

Maybe I should go back a little bit as this is my first diary entry in a long time. Last time I used this form of 'venting' was during the T melt down and it helped me. At the same time, I knew I was good with whatever was going on when I stopped writing. I have a feeling there might more AFGOs (another fucking growth opportunity) to come so this might keep going :-)

HISTORY

Let me do a fast forward from Feb 2011 to now Apr 2012 ... lots happened, very fascinating. Last I wrote was when T totally lost it, threatened to go to the police bla bla bla ...

• a bit more drama, 
• a great single vacation in Maui,
• a very heartfelt rejection from MAK after "the nicest email anyone has ever sent her",
• a decision to separate from Niki,
• a rented apartment,
• a Landmark Forum with very tender, very passionate, long-awaited hotel room sex,
• a reconciliation,
• a new magical journey at the 'church of HAI' ... they would hate that term btw
• an amazing lady in Vi, first my buddy, then intimate but not sexual, then friend, then lover, then sharing that can't leave,
• a 'brother' for Niki's life, lots of texts, lots of emails, lots of learning how to deal with a man in Niki's life beside myself
• a love affair with Niki building an amazing new foundation and trust, oh and yes great, tender sex
• a HAI L2 first time together with lots of new ways of staying connecting but also being individuals
• a sweet, unexpected connection with Alisha, outside HAI ... really want to keep that going
• a trip to Vegas together with both MAK and N and a big misunderstanding of what's 'cuddling'
• a HAI L3 with more AFGOs, the biggest one that choice may just be another word for control
• a draft of new boundaries with lots of rules and ideas that fell apart before it was even born
• a new concept how to live our love manifested with wallet cards,
• a decision to go totally out on a limb not really knowing the consequences by giving Niki choice while Niki getting grounded first and holding back her choice to give me choice
• a decision to invite MAK to NY for her birthday after difficult pondering for Niki
• a HAI L4 workshop totally opening up the relationship and personal choice
• a picture and another and another of Niki with other men becoming the goddess, maybe priestess I have seen in her for decades
• a man that Niki wants to make love to
• a series of tender, lovely nights with Niki, her showing nothing but love, care and tenderness for me and herself ... well maybe with the exception of her sentence "If you take my choice away then I will run back now and make love to Rob now because I am still in choice". Have to say I did laugh pretty hard fully aware she meant it!

OK this brings us to today and I want to take a little bit of time to explain this whole control, personal choice, living our love thing her. Well on second thought, why don't I go and read again what I wrote back after HAI 3 in emails. On second thought, I will go and add them to this blog, click here to read the email yourself. Off reading and copying my own email for a little bit ...


... ahhhh felt good to look at that beautiful picture our us in Vancouver, what a magical weekend that was and then again I can remember even then I felt something wasn't quite right ... so different from today.


So back to my feelings of the day which fucking keep going up and down, like a roller coaster. Thank you Robert for coming up with this great idea of 'Personal Choice'. But really what were the choices ...

1. Staying bottled up inside our own adapted behavior, keeping the exercises safe and getting bored or jealous worse of others people's experiences and love for each other, or
2. Giving up any preconceptions and giving each other the gift of choice making love to anyone, no matter what form that takes from touching their face, french kissing, intimate touching or intercourse

Well it's not hard to imagine what we choose, never been the person of boring, always out on the edge and so we choose choice and we gave each other the biggest gift I think anybody can give another person ... freedom to choose, total freedom as long as it safe.

EMAIL to HAI 3 about Boundaries

RELATIONSHIP BOUNDARIES … CONTROL OR CHOICE?

I thought I throw out a new question “What is choice in a relationship?” This email is almost a week in the making, and stems from a very genuine, nice, appreciative comment during the workshop “You have such a beautiful open relationship, you are my model”. At first, we Niki and I talked about it, and thought we have this burning share to clarify our relationship (see earlier version below) Over the course of the week, we both realized over some great conversations that we have more questions than clarity. Choosing gets harder when you question the context you live and grow up in ...

You might be sick of hearing our story, so feel free to skip a paragraph, no I didn’t stick to my http://three.sentenc.es rule as my footer says … it’s a bit long. For background, here is a short synopsis of my life journey with Niki, which I am amazingly proud of … we have been together for 25 years, married 18, many of them great, some crappy, 1 or 2 years very crappy. Over the years we have moved continents three times, have two great boys together, built, lived and sold a log home in the Santa Cruz mountains, sailed halfway around the world and then almost split up about a year ago; I had an apartment and a moving date scheduled right after HAI 1, and we turned it around to something even better than before. Why is all this important? It’s my context, my perspective and my basis for the journey ahead, it’s why I believe in us.

Some may have wondered during HAI what relationship Niki and I are in … is this an open relationship, are we monogamous, are we poly? Lots of questions, quite frankly I keep wondering myself at times so don’t expect any answers. I do have a funny factoid though ... only for HAI 1 after 24 years have Niki and I had an open discussion about our sexual boundaries. Really Robert, 24 years it took you to ask, holy smoke, and thanks HAI. So yes we have established clear boundaries for HAI, but to be honest they keep shifting, or maybe I should say we keep making new choices and asking new questions, especially with people that we have deeper connections with.

Originally we thought we wanted to share those boundaries with you, but instead I would like to share how I am starting to experience our choice of boundaries. In short, controlling and disempowering. What do I mean by this? I realized last weekend making choices comes easy to me, but the real gem I found in me was that my choices are often to avoid being disappointed, to control the outcome, to make sure I get what I want. For example during the body painting exercise, I had stomach pains, my heart was pounding because I had no choice, someone was choosing for me and I realized how much I seek to control. Funny side story, I only opened my eyes once before the women came out, right when someone dropped a tissue off next to me … let me tell you, a tissue for me only means one thing and I was relieved to wake up to painted toe nails instead LOL … or so I told myself at least

When I apply the gem about control to our boundaries, our sexual boundaries, and realized it is an easy way of relegating choice to adapted behaviour, taking away choice and power, from both Niki and myself. Yes it gives me a feeling of safety knowing what’s going to happen or really what’s not going to happen, but is this my real choice or just doing what’s the ‘norm’? What would Niki choose, really choose?

So over the last week the question to myself and Niki has been what if we give each other the power to choose ourselves, how we want to interact with others, in any way we want, anything is OK as long as it is our own choice. Really, who decided that kissing on the cheek was ok but on the mouth is not. Who decided touching the shoulder is OK but touching the breast is not. Hugging is OK but intercourse is not? Making someone happy with compliments is OK but giving someone sexual pleasure is not?

In theory being open and in choice sounds somewhat easy. But in reality, it’s super scary to give up the security those boundaries have given me for so long, to think that my life partner shares something that was reserved for me, share something so intimate and sacred with others. Then again there is a new thought forming in me and I REALLY LIKE it ... In a totally open relationship, you can get anything and everything inside and outside your primary relationship, so the only reason we are together is because we love each other. In a way today sex, or for me intercourse, is something that we hold reserved for each other and it starts feeling like a shackle, like a crutch to lean on, a safety net. On the other hand, if that crutch and safety net is gone, it makes me be more attentive to my relationship and how Niki feels, how I feel, how we feel ... I like that thought a lot! Best part is, iif I am more attentive to her, it makes her want me more :-)

This is all theory right now, while we are loving with others we don’t have intercourse today with anybody else. No matter what we choose for us tomorrow or the day after, I know sexuality and sensuality will be reserved for the few that I trust, that I connect with, the conscious ones around me and the ones that I am somehow attracted to, which can be in many ways, not just physically. However, I do wonder ...

Is an open relationship giving your partner the ultimate choice?
Does giving your partner the ultimate choice empower the relationship?
Does opening up your relationship give away your ‘Chi’ or is it like love, the more you give the more you get back?
Why do terms such as open relationships, polyamory, swinging … trigger all these different reactions in me?

I am super curious what you think? Maybe this is what future HAI levels help me dive into more, but that’s weeks away. I would like to hear your thoughts now. By the way, this has been a topic of lots of great shares with Niki this week, and I was very careful in my choice  of the words “I” vs “we”; huge thanks to her for listening and you might hear from her at a later point.

Love & hugs … if choose to accept them,
Robert 
+1 (408) 805-5450

Click here to add me to your address book

Q: Why is this email three sentences or less?
A: http://three.sentenc.es

PS: I kept the original version here because I thought it is funny to see the progression over the week and how we changed our choices along the way.

ORIGINAL VERSION FROM RIGHT AFTER HAI

Dear Graduates from L3 ... yes I feel like a graduate, having achieved something bigger with each level.

Niki and I had a burning share and felt this email list was a great way to clarify something, that we had a feeling might have been misunderstood. The topic is what some of you referred to “as our open marriage or how open is open”.

Instead of trying to speak for both of us, we decided to each write a paragraph or two or three in our own words, the male version first, then Niki’s.

ROBERT'S VERSION
Niki is my life partner, inside the bedroom and outside. I love her, she is my best friend and she knows and understands me better than most people. Coming to HAI L1 opened my eyes to realizing, that sex and intimacy are two different things and Vi, my buddy thru all 3 levels, has been a huge part of that realization ... I love her so much. This realization now allows me to be a friend with women and love more people in many new ways, but not every way. My choice today is, that there are things that are reserved for my life partner, in all honesty today for example, the thought of sharing intercourse with others frightens me and it's outside my boundaries.
On a very personal note, it is not always easy for me to see Niki being as loving as she is with so many people, especially since I considered until HAI, that her love was reserved for myself. At times, I still get triggered, pretty badly actually, when I watch Niki with others and make up stories in my head, I feel easily abandoned, left alone on the sidelines. When Niki and I decided to do HAI 2 & 3 together, we established some clear rules & boundaries that have helped me a lot. The 2 super important rules to me are ... (1) our partnership always comes first, so when either one of us needs anything, we are there for each other before anything or anybody else, and (2) we are making time for each other at least once a day to do a 1:1 to share, check-in and just talk, sometimes more :-)
These are my choices today, they have worked great for me, but I am open to changing them as we see what fits and feels right. Niki has been super understanding when I am triggered, while we still give each other the space to have our own experiences thru the seminar. I am so proud of my journey with Niki from almost being broken up a year ago, to today a better marriage than ever and with new friends in my life that I love and cherish ... YOU.

NIKI’S VERSION
First a personal “Thank you” for observing, being with me and showing such gratitude during the workshop, to myself and my relationship to Robert - that means a lot to me! Sometimes I am baffled, that we have been together 25 years and most certainly have lived through many stages in this partnership. Yet the last 2 years have been the most intense and growing to a stage I could not even have dreamed of. I do realize that it takes commitment and work to get there and two individuals to do so - something we have let slide for many years. I am super proud of us for having come such a long way, never will take that for granted! With that said I am just so happy, that we have been given this gift through the work with HAI. With Robert identifying that close and intimate relationships with the opposite sex don’t have to be a path down an affair, jealousy or mistreating one another. With that I was able to find and be open for male energy back into my life, as well as connecting with soul brothers finding love with them as well. The beautiful aspect of it all is how much love I gain for Robert through all of this, rather than taking away from it - what a misconception I had in my head and heart! By filling and reflecting with others and allowing it to feed me, I can give back in multiple ways and bring more love home to the man I have shared more than half of my life with. I too, understand though that it takes two there as well and while I have an unconditional love for everyone and all of you, a deep connection cannot happen with everyone and that is ok - there unfortunately isn’t enough hours in a day.... yet ;o) As Robert explained above, we have had to establish for the first time in our lives boundaries and guidelines to make sure we both stay connected and feel safe for one another and with others. He comes first and that is super important to me. Thank you for showing your respect and love for us, being vessels of our growth, reflections of our souls and partners in creating a beautiful path as humans in this spiritual world - that I am slowly learning not to conduct but just BE and lead it to new realms.


Thanks for listening, thanks for many of the awesome appreciations you gave both of us. Feels good to have shared and clarified what may have been confusing for some.

Love and hugs (if you choose to accept),

Niki & Robert

EMAIL to Niki about Boundaries

Maeusi,

I am not writing this email because I can't speak it to you but because I think it will help me organize my thoughts and put the right context around it. The topic is our boundaries, how I feel about them right now, my choices and in closing a question for you.

MY UNDERSTANDING OF OUR BOUNDARIES TODAY

I thought I first start with where we are today or where I think we are, a good starting point for this.

1. US FIRST - First and foremost, you always come first to me and I know you feel the same way about me as you show me every day.
2. CURRENT CHOICES - I think I need to split this into two buckets, our regular day-to-day life and when we are at HAI.
• In our regular life, we are OK with both of us having friendships, maybe we can even call them 'lovers' in HAI terms, hang with them, talk to them, chat with them, touch them, kiss them, ... there is lots of things we can do. Here are the things that we agreed not to do ... genital touching (meaning breasts ok but no lingam and yoni, inside and out), no sacred spot massage, no french kissing, no oral sex and no intercourse. Yes I know it sounds a bit clinical but then again I like the clarity, hope that's ok with you.
• During our HAI workshops including down time at Harbin, we have stretched our regular life rules a bit and also allowed our own choices. So for HAI, genital touching is OK, even sensual touch and the feeling and release of sexual energy. Given the exercise for example on Sat afternoon and though I VERY much enjoyed doing it with you, I would have been OK with you choosing to have someone else give u a sacred spot massage, if you choose so and vice versa.
3. VETO RIGHT - Though I am not sure we have been totally explicit about this, I think there is an unspoken 'veto right' on each of our respective 'lovers'. In other words, if either one of us was ever to be uncomfortable with another person, we have given each the right to say no thanks. For example, if for example you would want to connect with Baron and I felt totally whacko or wrong about it, I could ask you to not go forward and vice versa if for example you'd decide you don't want me to spend time with Vi.

HOW I FEEL ABOUT ALL THIS

Overall, I am so amazed by where we have gone from a year ago, how this opening has been beneficial to our relationship, how open and understanding you have been and how this actually affects me. Did I mention that this has been also keeping my brain running over the last few days. THANKS for all of it, I feel very lucky to call you my life partner (more than wife for me). The interesting part is that it does bring me closer with you, totally opposite of what common sense would tell you. What does continue to come up for me is this recurring fear of loosing you and I totally know that's all in me and nothing you do. I guess if anything, we are embarking on a new path for us so regular checkins and regular communication is SUPER IMPORTANT, more important than ever.

One topic that's been circling in my head is where this will lead, yes eventually there will be an intercourse exercise in the 'Room of Love' laboratory, if anything to have us make a choice and what I am realizing is that I am OK with us to go there. I am very scared but here is a new thought that has been growing in me and I REALLY LIKE it ... Soo there is NOTHING anymore that you can't get somewhere else so the only reason you are with me is because you love me. It's almost like sex or intercourse before was something you held back for your partner, something that held you back and this shackle is starting to feel unnatural. That makes me be more attentive to you, to our relationship and how you feel, how I feel, how we feel ... I like that a lot! Best part is because I am more attentive to you, it makes you want me more. Am I making any sense?

Having said the above, I want to really manifest the J&M rule into our relationship ... "Speak the truth, always". I am not saying either one of us is lying, but at times we do tip toe, I know I do so let's go all in. What do you think?

3 CIRCLES ... CIRCLE OF ONE, FEW & MANY

I have one request or maybe better said a question for you and the way I would like to explain this is in terms of 3 concentric circles.

• INNER CIRCLE - There is the most inner circle of TWO, which you and I are in, nobody else is in. You are always first, no matter what.
• OUTER CIRCLE - Then there is the most outer circle of MANY which our friends, family and 'lovers' fall in, the above regular life boundaries apply and it's great to add more people to that circle of MANY.
• MIDDLE CIRCLE - What I would like to introduce is a middle circle of a FEW. Let me try to explain why I am introducing a middle circle. I have noticed especially during L3 that I really enjoy feeling and experiencing my sensual & sexual energy or what I call with you the sexy angel. It's something that I only have with very few, special people, it's something that often takes time to build and it's something that for sure takes time to nurture ... lastly, it needs trust which typically takes time too, not always but often that's true. Unfortunately, it's also something that I have been pushing away, feeling guilty and ashamed about and at times not being honest to you about. This then resulted in me exploring it outside integrity, sometimes very innocent physically but maybe emotionally, one time in a way more destructive way unfortunately but at least I will have to pay 'stupidity tax' for the rest of my life to remind me ;-)
  What I would like to suggest is that we have flexible boundaries for the middle circle and that I would like to invite Melissa into that middle circle. While I can go back with Melissa in the circle of MANY, it feels foreign. I would like to be able to connect with her also with my sensual and sexual energy, obviously only when/if it feels right for her too. If I take the shame and guilt away, touching each others genitals, sharing sacred energy and a french kiss feels OK for me. I have never had intercourse with her and this isn't something I want to do next week or maybe ever but for sure the middle circle would be something to be shared with FEW, hence the circle name. I know this question is serious and I have no idea how I will feel when (not if) you will ask me this question for the first time. If your choice is NO to my question right now, I respect your choice, always will because you are always FIRST.

OK enough said, this was a long email to share my thoughts and feelings, gotta stop editing it. I am sure it sparks lots of thoughts and hopefully a good conversation between you and I. I have no idea at this point when I will see Melissa again, maybe this weekend, maybe not until after my mom left.

Ich liebe Dich, von hier bis zum Mond und wieder zurueck. Danke fuers zuhoeren.

TBR