EMAIL to Niki about Boundaries

Maeusi,

I am not writing this email because I can't speak it to you but because I think it will help me organize my thoughts and put the right context around it. The topic is our boundaries, how I feel about them right now, my choices and in closing a question for you.

MY UNDERSTANDING OF OUR BOUNDARIES TODAY

I thought I first start with where we are today or where I think we are, a good starting point for this.

1. US FIRST - First and foremost, you always come first to me and I know you feel the same way about me as you show me every day.
2. CURRENT CHOICES - I think I need to split this into two buckets, our regular day-to-day life and when we are at HAI.
• In our regular life, we are OK with both of us having friendships, maybe we can even call them 'lovers' in HAI terms, hang with them, talk to them, chat with them, touch them, kiss them, ... there is lots of things we can do. Here are the things that we agreed not to do ... genital touching (meaning breasts ok but no lingam and yoni, inside and out), no sacred spot massage, no french kissing, no oral sex and no intercourse. Yes I know it sounds a bit clinical but then again I like the clarity, hope that's ok with you.
• During our HAI workshops including down time at Harbin, we have stretched our regular life rules a bit and also allowed our own choices. So for HAI, genital touching is OK, even sensual touch and the feeling and release of sexual energy. Given the exercise for example on Sat afternoon and though I VERY much enjoyed doing it with you, I would have been OK with you choosing to have someone else give u a sacred spot massage, if you choose so and vice versa.
3. VETO RIGHT - Though I am not sure we have been totally explicit about this, I think there is an unspoken 'veto right' on each of our respective 'lovers'. In other words, if either one of us was ever to be uncomfortable with another person, we have given each the right to say no thanks. For example, if for example you would want to connect with Baron and I felt totally whacko or wrong about it, I could ask you to not go forward and vice versa if for example you'd decide you don't want me to spend time with Vi.

HOW I FEEL ABOUT ALL THIS

Overall, I am so amazed by where we have gone from a year ago, how this opening has been beneficial to our relationship, how open and understanding you have been and how this actually affects me. Did I mention that this has been also keeping my brain running over the last few days. THANKS for all of it, I feel very lucky to call you my life partner (more than wife for me). The interesting part is that it does bring me closer with you, totally opposite of what common sense would tell you. What does continue to come up for me is this recurring fear of loosing you and I totally know that's all in me and nothing you do. I guess if anything, we are embarking on a new path for us so regular checkins and regular communication is SUPER IMPORTANT, more important than ever.

One topic that's been circling in my head is where this will lead, yes eventually there will be an intercourse exercise in the 'Room of Love' laboratory, if anything to have us make a choice and what I am realizing is that I am OK with us to go there. I am very scared but here is a new thought that has been growing in me and I REALLY LIKE it ... Soo there is NOTHING anymore that you can't get somewhere else so the only reason you are with me is because you love me. It's almost like sex or intercourse before was something you held back for your partner, something that held you back and this shackle is starting to feel unnatural. That makes me be more attentive to you, to our relationship and how you feel, how I feel, how we feel ... I like that a lot! Best part is because I am more attentive to you, it makes you want me more. Am I making any sense?

Having said the above, I want to really manifest the J&M rule into our relationship ... "Speak the truth, always". I am not saying either one of us is lying, but at times we do tip toe, I know I do so let's go all in. What do you think?

3 CIRCLES ... CIRCLE OF ONE, FEW & MANY

I have one request or maybe better said a question for you and the way I would like to explain this is in terms of 3 concentric circles.

• INNER CIRCLE - There is the most inner circle of TWO, which you and I are in, nobody else is in. You are always first, no matter what.
• OUTER CIRCLE - Then there is the most outer circle of MANY which our friends, family and 'lovers' fall in, the above regular life boundaries apply and it's great to add more people to that circle of MANY.
• MIDDLE CIRCLE - What I would like to introduce is a middle circle of a FEW. Let me try to explain why I am introducing a middle circle. I have noticed especially during L3 that I really enjoy feeling and experiencing my sensual & sexual energy or what I call with you the sexy angel. It's something that I only have with very few, special people, it's something that often takes time to build and it's something that for sure takes time to nurture ... lastly, it needs trust which typically takes time too, not always but often that's true. Unfortunately, it's also something that I have been pushing away, feeling guilty and ashamed about and at times not being honest to you about. This then resulted in me exploring it outside integrity, sometimes very innocent physically but maybe emotionally, one time in a way more destructive way unfortunately but at least I will have to pay 'stupidity tax' for the rest of my life to remind me ;-)
  What I would like to suggest is that we have flexible boundaries for the middle circle and that I would like to invite Melissa into that middle circle. While I can go back with Melissa in the circle of MANY, it feels foreign. I would like to be able to connect with her also with my sensual and sexual energy, obviously only when/if it feels right for her too. If I take the shame and guilt away, touching each others genitals, sharing sacred energy and a french kiss feels OK for me. I have never had intercourse with her and this isn't something I want to do next week or maybe ever but for sure the middle circle would be something to be shared with FEW, hence the circle name. I know this question is serious and I have no idea how I will feel when (not if) you will ask me this question for the first time. If your choice is NO to my question right now, I respect your choice, always will because you are always FIRST.

OK enough said, this was a long email to share my thoughts and feelings, gotta stop editing it. I am sure it sparks lots of thoughts and hopefully a good conversation between you and I. I have no idea at this point when I will see Melissa again, maybe this weekend, maybe not until after my mom left.

Ich liebe Dich, von hier bis zum Mond und wieder zurueck. Danke fuers zuhoeren.

TBR