Tender, Raw & Alive after Really Seeing Personal Choice in Action

It's Tuesday after HAI Level 4, I am in my office and I feel raw, tender but also very alive. This weekend I heard and saw new things that I haven't seen in 25 years, maybe never ... actually maybe I am wrong, I felt similar stuff when Niki told me she is breaking up with me for someone else and when I found out T was not being open and truthful to me. Not easy to feel this much, and wondering if I want to bottle myself back up and go back to the 'old Robert' ... well not really.

BACK TO DIARING

Maybe I should go back a little bit as this is my first diary entry in a long time. Last time I used this form of 'venting' was during the T melt down and it helped me. At the same time, I knew I was good with whatever was going on when I stopped writing. I have a feeling there might more AFGOs (another fucking growth opportunity) to come so this might keep going :-)

HISTORY

Let me do a fast forward from Feb 2011 to now Apr 2012 ... lots happened, very fascinating. Last I wrote was when T totally lost it, threatened to go to the police bla bla bla ...

• a bit more drama, 
• a great single vacation in Maui,
• a very heartfelt rejection from MAK after "the nicest email anyone has ever sent her",
• a decision to separate from Niki,
• a rented apartment,
• a Landmark Forum with very tender, very passionate, long-awaited hotel room sex,
• a reconciliation,
• a new magical journey at the 'church of HAI' ... they would hate that term btw
• an amazing lady in Vi, first my buddy, then intimate but not sexual, then friend, then lover, then sharing that can't leave,
• a 'brother' for Niki's life, lots of texts, lots of emails, lots of learning how to deal with a man in Niki's life beside myself
• a love affair with Niki building an amazing new foundation and trust, oh and yes great, tender sex
• a HAI L2 first time together with lots of new ways of staying connecting but also being individuals
• a sweet, unexpected connection with Alisha, outside HAI ... really want to keep that going
• a trip to Vegas together with both MAK and N and a big misunderstanding of what's 'cuddling'
• a HAI L3 with more AFGOs, the biggest one that choice may just be another word for control
• a draft of new boundaries with lots of rules and ideas that fell apart before it was even born
• a new concept how to live our love manifested with wallet cards,
• a decision to go totally out on a limb not really knowing the consequences by giving Niki choice while Niki getting grounded first and holding back her choice to give me choice
• a decision to invite MAK to NY for her birthday after difficult pondering for Niki
• a HAI L4 workshop totally opening up the relationship and personal choice
• a picture and another and another of Niki with other men becoming the goddess, maybe priestess I have seen in her for decades
• a man that Niki wants to make love to
• a series of tender, lovely nights with Niki, her showing nothing but love, care and tenderness for me and herself ... well maybe with the exception of her sentence "If you take my choice away then I will run back now and make love to Rob now because I am still in choice". Have to say I did laugh pretty hard fully aware she meant it!

OK this brings us to today and I want to take a little bit of time to explain this whole control, personal choice, living our love thing her. Well on second thought, why don't I go and read again what I wrote back after HAI 3 in emails. On second thought, I will go and add them to this blog, click here to read the email yourself. Off reading and copying my own email for a little bit ...


... ahhhh felt good to look at that beautiful picture our us in Vancouver, what a magical weekend that was and then again I can remember even then I felt something wasn't quite right ... so different from today.


So back to my feelings of the day which fucking keep going up and down, like a roller coaster. Thank you Robert for coming up with this great idea of 'Personal Choice'. But really what were the choices ...

1. Staying bottled up inside our own adapted behavior, keeping the exercises safe and getting bored or jealous worse of others people's experiences and love for each other, or
2. Giving up any preconceptions and giving each other the gift of choice making love to anyone, no matter what form that takes from touching their face, french kissing, intimate touching or intercourse

Well it's not hard to imagine what we choose, never been the person of boring, always out on the edge and so we choose choice and we gave each other the biggest gift I think anybody can give another person ... freedom to choose, total freedom as long as it safe.