RELATIONSHIP BOUNDARIES … CONTROL OR CHOICE?
I thought I throw out a new question “What is choice in a relationship?” This email is almost a week in the making, and stems from a very genuine, nice, appreciative comment during the workshop “You have such a beautiful open relationship, you are my model”. At first, we Niki and I talked about it, and thought we have this burning share to clarify our relationship (see earlier version below) Over the course of the week, we both realized over some great conversations that we have more questions than clarity. Choosing gets harder when you question the context you live and grow up in ...You might be sick of hearing our story, so feel free to skip a paragraph, no I didn’t stick to my http://three.sentenc.es rule as my footer says … it’s a bit long. For background, here is a short synopsis of my life journey with Niki, which I am amazingly proud of … we have been together for 25 years, married 18, many of them great, some crappy, 1 or 2 years very crappy. Over the years we have moved continents three times, have two great boys together, built, lived and sold a log home in the Santa Cruz mountains, sailed halfway around the world and then almost split up about a year ago; I had an apartment and a moving date scheduled right after HAI 1, and we turned it around to something even better than before. Why is all this important? It’s my context, my perspective and my basis for the journey ahead, it’s why I believe in us.
Some may have wondered during HAI what relationship Niki and I are in … is this an open relationship, are we monogamous, are we poly? Lots of questions, quite frankly I keep wondering myself at times so don’t expect any answers. I do have a funny factoid though ... only for HAI 1 after 24 years have Niki and I had an open discussion about our sexual boundaries. Really Robert, 24 years it took you to ask, holy smoke, and thanks HAI. So yes we have established clear boundaries for HAI, but to be honest they keep shifting, or maybe I should say we keep making new choices and asking new questions, especially with people that we have deeper connections with.
Originally we thought we wanted to share those boundaries with you, but instead I would like to share how I am starting to experience our choice of boundaries. In short, controlling and disempowering. What do I mean by this? I realized last weekend making choices comes easy to me, but the real gem I found in me was that my choices are often to avoid being disappointed, to control the outcome, to make sure I get what I want. For example during the body painting exercise, I had stomach pains, my heart was pounding because I had no choice, someone was choosing for me and I realized how much I seek to control. Funny side story, I only opened my eyes once before the women came out, right when someone dropped a tissue off next to me … let me tell you, a tissue for me only means one thing and I was relieved to wake up to painted toe nails instead LOL … or so I told myself at least
When I apply the gem about control to our boundaries, our sexual boundaries, and realized it is an easy way of relegating choice to adapted behaviour, taking away choice and power, from both Niki and myself. Yes it gives me a feeling of safety knowing what’s going to happen or really what’s not going to happen, but is this my real choice or just doing what’s the ‘norm’? What would Niki choose, really choose?
So over the last week the question to myself and Niki has been what if we give each other the power to choose ourselves, how we want to interact with others, in any way we want, anything is OK as long as it is our own choice. Really, who decided that kissing on the cheek was ok but on the mouth is not. Who decided touching the shoulder is OK but touching the breast is not. Hugging is OK but intercourse is not? Making someone happy with compliments is OK but giving someone sexual pleasure is not?
In theory being open and in choice sounds somewhat easy. But in reality, it’s super scary to give up the security those boundaries have given me for so long, to think that my life partner shares something that was reserved for me, share something so intimate and sacred with others. Then again there is a new thought forming in me and I REALLY LIKE it ... In a totally open relationship, you can get anything and everything inside and outside your primary relationship, so the only reason we are together is because we love each other. In a way today sex, or for me intercourse, is something that we hold reserved for each other and it starts feeling like a shackle, like a crutch to lean on, a safety net. On the other hand, if that crutch and safety net is gone, it makes me be more attentive to my relationship and how Niki feels, how I feel, how we feel ... I like that thought a lot! Best part is, iif I am more attentive to her, it makes her want me more :-)
This is all theory right now, while we are loving with others we don’t have intercourse today with anybody else. No matter what we choose for us tomorrow or the day after, I know sexuality and sensuality will be reserved for the few that I trust, that I connect with, the conscious ones around me and the ones that I am somehow attracted to, which can be in many ways, not just physically. However, I do wonder ...
Is an open relationship giving your partner the ultimate choice?
Does giving your partner the ultimate choice empower the relationship?
Does opening up your relationship give away your ‘Chi’ or is it like love, the more you give the more you get back?
Why do terms such as open relationships, polyamory, swinging … trigger all these different reactions in me?
I am super curious what you think? Maybe this is what future HAI levels help me dive into more, but that’s weeks away. I would like to hear your thoughts now. By the way, this has been a topic of lots of great shares with Niki this week, and I was very careful in my choice of the words “I” vs “we”; huge thanks to her for listening and you might hear from her at a later point.
Love & hugs … if choose to accept them,
Robert
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Q: Why is this email three sentences or less?
A: http://three.sentenc.es
A: http://three.sentenc.es
PS: I kept the original version here because I thought it is funny to see the progression over the week and how we changed our choices along the way.
Niki and I had a burning share and felt this email list was a great way to clarify something, that we had a feeling might have been misunderstood. The topic is what some of you referred to “as our open marriage or how open is open”.
Instead of trying to speak for both of us, we decided to each write a paragraph or two or three in our own words, the male version first, then Niki’s.
ROBERT'S VERSION
Niki is my life partner, inside the bedroom and outside. I love her, she is my best friend and she knows and understands me better than most people. Coming to HAI L1 opened my eyes to realizing, that sex and intimacy are two different things and Vi, my buddy thru all 3 levels, has been a huge part of that realization ... I love her so much. This realization now allows me to be a friend with women and love more people in many new ways, but not every way. My choice today is, that there are things that are reserved for my life partner, in all honesty today for example, the thought of sharing intercourse with others frightens me and it's outside my boundaries.
On a very personal note, it is not always easy for me to see Niki being as loving as she is with so many people, especially since I considered until HAI, that her love was reserved for myself. At times, I still get triggered, pretty badly actually, when I watch Niki with others and make up stories in my head, I feel easily abandoned, left alone on the sidelines. When Niki and I decided to do HAI 2 & 3 together, we established some clear rules & boundaries that have helped me a lot. The 2 super important rules to me are ... (1) our partnership always comes first, so when either one of us needs anything, we are there for each other before anything or anybody else, and (2) we are making time for each other at least once a day to do a 1:1 to share, check-in and just talk, sometimes more :-)
These are my choices today, they have worked great for me, but I am open to changing them as we see what fits and feels right. Niki has been super understanding when I am triggered, while we still give each other the space to have our own experiences thru the seminar. I am so proud of my journey with Niki from almost being broken up a year ago, to today a better marriage than ever and with new friends in my life that I love and cherish ... YOU.
NIKI’S VERSION
First a personal “Thank you” for observing, being with me and showing such gratitude during the workshop, to myself and my relationship to Robert - that means a lot to me! Sometimes I am baffled, that we have been together 25 years and most certainly have lived through many stages in this partnership. Yet the last 2 years have been the most intense and growing to a stage I could not even have dreamed of. I do realize that it takes commitment and work to get there and two individuals to do so - something we have let slide for many years. I am super proud of us for having come such a long way, never will take that for granted! With that said I am just so happy, that we have been given this gift through the work with HAI. With Robert identifying that close and intimate relationships with the opposite sex don’t have to be a path down an affair, jealousy or mistreating one another. With that I was able to find and be open for male energy back into my life, as well as connecting with soul brothers finding love with them as well. The beautiful aspect of it all is how much love I gain for Robert through all of this, rather than taking away from it - what a misconception I had in my head and heart! By filling and reflecting with others and allowing it to feed me, I can give back in multiple ways and bring more love home to the man I have shared more than half of my life with. I too, understand though that it takes two there as well and while I have an unconditional love for everyone and all of you, a deep connection cannot happen with everyone and that is ok - there unfortunately isn’t enough hours in a day.... yet ;o) As Robert explained above, we have had to establish for the first time in our lives boundaries and guidelines to make sure we both stay connected and feel safe for one another and with others. He comes first and that is super important to me. Thank you for showing your respect and love for us, being vessels of our growth, reflections of our souls and partners in creating a beautiful path as humans in this spiritual world - that I am slowly learning not to conduct but just BE and lead it to new realms.
Thanks for listening, thanks for many of the awesome appreciations you gave both of us. Feels good to have shared and clarified what may have been confusing for some.
Love and hugs (if you choose to accept),
Niki & Robert
ORIGINAL VERSION FROM RIGHT AFTER HAI
Dear Graduates from L3 ... yes I feel like a graduate, having achieved something bigger with each level.Niki and I had a burning share and felt this email list was a great way to clarify something, that we had a feeling might have been misunderstood. The topic is what some of you referred to “as our open marriage or how open is open”.
Instead of trying to speak for both of us, we decided to each write a paragraph or two or three in our own words, the male version first, then Niki’s.
ROBERT'S VERSION
Niki is my life partner, inside the bedroom and outside. I love her, she is my best friend and she knows and understands me better than most people. Coming to HAI L1 opened my eyes to realizing, that sex and intimacy are two different things and Vi, my buddy thru all 3 levels, has been a huge part of that realization ... I love her so much. This realization now allows me to be a friend with women and love more people in many new ways, but not every way. My choice today is, that there are things that are reserved for my life partner, in all honesty today for example, the thought of sharing intercourse with others frightens me and it's outside my boundaries.
On a very personal note, it is not always easy for me to see Niki being as loving as she is with so many people, especially since I considered until HAI, that her love was reserved for myself. At times, I still get triggered, pretty badly actually, when I watch Niki with others and make up stories in my head, I feel easily abandoned, left alone on the sidelines. When Niki and I decided to do HAI 2 & 3 together, we established some clear rules & boundaries that have helped me a lot. The 2 super important rules to me are ... (1) our partnership always comes first, so when either one of us needs anything, we are there for each other before anything or anybody else, and (2) we are making time for each other at least once a day to do a 1:1 to share, check-in and just talk, sometimes more :-)
These are my choices today, they have worked great for me, but I am open to changing them as we see what fits and feels right. Niki has been super understanding when I am triggered, while we still give each other the space to have our own experiences thru the seminar. I am so proud of my journey with Niki from almost being broken up a year ago, to today a better marriage than ever and with new friends in my life that I love and cherish ... YOU.
NIKI’S VERSION
First a personal “Thank you” for observing, being with me and showing such gratitude during the workshop, to myself and my relationship to Robert - that means a lot to me! Sometimes I am baffled, that we have been together 25 years and most certainly have lived through many stages in this partnership. Yet the last 2 years have been the most intense and growing to a stage I could not even have dreamed of. I do realize that it takes commitment and work to get there and two individuals to do so - something we have let slide for many years. I am super proud of us for having come such a long way, never will take that for granted! With that said I am just so happy, that we have been given this gift through the work with HAI. With Robert identifying that close and intimate relationships with the opposite sex don’t have to be a path down an affair, jealousy or mistreating one another. With that I was able to find and be open for male energy back into my life, as well as connecting with soul brothers finding love with them as well. The beautiful aspect of it all is how much love I gain for Robert through all of this, rather than taking away from it - what a misconception I had in my head and heart! By filling and reflecting with others and allowing it to feed me, I can give back in multiple ways and bring more love home to the man I have shared more than half of my life with. I too, understand though that it takes two there as well and while I have an unconditional love for everyone and all of you, a deep connection cannot happen with everyone and that is ok - there unfortunately isn’t enough hours in a day.... yet ;o) As Robert explained above, we have had to establish for the first time in our lives boundaries and guidelines to make sure we both stay connected and feel safe for one another and with others. He comes first and that is super important to me. Thank you for showing your respect and love for us, being vessels of our growth, reflections of our souls and partners in creating a beautiful path as humans in this spiritual world - that I am slowly learning not to conduct but just BE and lead it to new realms.
Thanks for listening, thanks for many of the awesome appreciations you gave both of us. Feels good to have shared and clarified what may have been confusing for some.
Love and hugs (if you choose to accept),
Niki & Robert
