This week I found out James died in Joshua Tree Park, the place I went with my older son Sebastian camping the weekend after my Level 4 workshop, a place where I found so much peace and serenity. He was found 2 days after going on a moon hike, falling down a slope and finally resting his head on a gentle, sloping rock. The picture of him resting on this rock made me associate him being at peace with the inevitable, with life and with death.
How did the news impact me? Me, I evaluate life and love when getting reminded of the obvious finality. No I didn't know him very well but I get to know him a little bit better with every post I read, friends memories written at http://rememberingjamesbaye.com/. Reading in Christine's post today his quote "Love is friendship caught fire" hit home very close. It reminded me of my friendship with M who is someone I have shared parts of life with for almost 10 years, various ups and downs and in varying ways of connectedness ... just friends today.
What's wrong with 'just friends'? Today, in the moment, I feel sad, I feel hurt. Hurt because I got too close to the fire, so it left a few red burn marks that need some aloe. Sad because the warmth from M's fire has been pulled away from me, a warmth from being deeply connected, spiritually and sexually. If you'd really know me you would know that I show and receive love thru physical, intimate touch. For some that can be too much, too intimate or too close. For me, it's who I am.
What's in it for me? Well, I need to congratulate myself that I asked for what I wanted, went all out. The good news, I got it in the moment. The bad news, it was taken shortly after again, yes the rubber band in & out has happened before, twice. My AFGO (=another fucking growth opportunity) ... Be in the moment, or as one of my HAI buddies said so fittingly "Be happy with what you get, enjoy what you have". I am a very lucky guy with the "fire" of my wonderful marriage and partnership with Niki burning stronger than ever, feeling so warm, so caring, so right.
So what would James say? His last Twitter post is amazingly fitting: “The more you commit to life, the more you can commit to death.”
Good night, James! Good morning my friend M!
